Over the weekend, I started listening to the book Start Where You Are: Life Lessons in Getting from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be by Chris Gardner. I’m not quite finished the book, but will have a review and some weight loss-relevant takeaways when once I’m done.
I’m taking comfort in the mantra “start where you are” as I continue to go around in circles in mind.
The last three months have sucked.
The crazy thing is, it’s not so much that my motivation waned. It’s that I feel like I was thrown off course and haven’t quite gotten back. A life coach once told me that I have this pattern—when I start to do something good for myself, I create some situation (or even just react to some situation) and I get distracted, lose focus, and sabotage. When she said this, I couldn’t quite see what she was talking about. Now I’m starting to.
What’s going on in my head:
-I’m frustrated that I haven’t made more progress. My friend is coming in five weeks. BlogHer is in six weeks. I’m traveling to Montreal for a writing seminar in nine weeks. How can I travel, meet people, and accomplish stuff if I have this cloud of disappointment hovering over me because I haven’t made much progress?
-I’ve cut back on juicing and making green smoothies. The thing I can’t quite figure out is, how can I tell that I’m getting enough nutrients? All along, I’d either take in nutrients in abundance or not at all. How do I find a middle ground?
-I want to be on the treadmill…but it’s so freaking hot. (I don’t have air conditioning in my apartment.) And while I want to move my body, I also want to sit and write. What I don’t want to do be doing is spending so much time at my computer. Yet here I’ve been, doing the usual—getting lost in “research”, talking to a lot of people, and watching TV shows, movies, documentaries, and some YouTube videos (but not as much as I have in the past).
-I so completely envy people who making choices and living out their story. I feel like I’m just stuck.
See, here’s the most frustrating thing:
Today, I was reading a thread on the 3 Fat Chicks forum in which someone wrote about how they don’t perceive themselves as being as heavy as they really are. I feel the exact same way!
Is it denial? I don’t think it is. I think I’ve just creating an inner world in which my weight doesn’t affect me that much. My weight doesn’t hinder things like my curiosity, my intellect, and my talents and skills. Apart from my weight, I feel really good about who I am.
It’s when I have a desire to venture out into the external world that I start to experience jolts of shock at how different I am and how I’m perceived. Suddenly, I take up too much space. I feel incredibly self-conscious. I feel worthless.
Then I feel resentful that I have to change so that I’m more accepted. I know I should focus on having ease, having more freedom, and, of course, improving my health. Yet, I get stuck in this loop of wanting to lose weight, wanting to lose weight fast, yet hating the fact that I’m, pretty much, doing it so I will be able to have an easier time connecting with people.
A part of me doesn’t want to document my weight loss because I’m so tired of thinking about it all the time. But as I said, I want to write. I want to be honest. I want to write a better story of how my life unfolds.
Whether it be updates or reviews or whatever, I’m recommitted to this blog.