So, after spending days agonizing over my decision to get my hair cut, I somehow managed to get myself out the door, put aside my fears, and make it happen.

It’s a funny thing–I was more preoccupied with not feeling at ease once I got to the salon (because of my weight) and really didn’t think about what it was going to feel like not having tons of hair anymore. (My hair used to go all the way down my back.) I knew I wanted it short, but good gravy, I wasn’t prepared for how different it would feel to have it so, so, so short.

The coolest part was that I had so much hair that I was able to donate it. It was the best part of the experience.

The stylist and I chatted about books, TV shows, cities, and various things. Usually, I like to just close my eyes (to avoid looking in the mirror) and not talk at all. This time, though, I have to admit, it was a really enjoyable conversation.

The only minor glitches were the smock she had me put on barely fit, once I got into the chair, my tummy was hanging down and I was constantly trying to cover it up (and so relieved when she put the cape in front of me before she started to cut), and, worst of the worst, I had a bit of an issue pulling myself upright after she washed my hair.

It was a good experience though. I’m glad I pushed myself to do it.

I’m having a really hard time getting motivated to work out.

It’s not that I hate exercise or hate sweat. I really do want to, not just make working out a daily part of my life, I want it to become an obsession. Even though I’m aging, I still yearn to do amazing things with my body and see what it is truly capable of.

I have a distant dream of being a female amateur bodybuilder. (However, when I did my interview with Yvette Nathen-Jones, she got me thinking about powerlifting.)

I want to wake up in the morning and, without much thought, get dressed and hit the treadmill before I do anything else.

Instead, I wake up, go to the bathroom to pee, go the kitchen for some water, and sit down at my computer. I get lost in work, researching, and checking out completely useless stuff.

The truth is, working out is not a priority. I really want to make it one.

For a really long time, I was confused about how much exercise I should be doing. A couple of days ago, I did an interview with fitness expert Debra Mazda. She’s worked with a lot of overweight women. Her suggestion is 60-90 minutes a day. I’m going to trust her wisdom, work out for 60 minutes, and trust it is enough.

I’ve always been interested in interval training. This morning I read this NY Times article about doing a workout in which you work out hard for one minute, recover for a minute, then go full-out again throughout the entire workout. I like the sound of this method and want to give it a try.

My goal is to get on the treadmill and do 3 20-minute blocks. One of those blocks will include the interval training.

As I type this, I feel excited about moving my body. I’m excited to push it, challenge it, and feel the high afterward. I just don’t know how to not give in to the million distractions I have here at my computer and make my workouts important.

It’s such a weird thing. I sit here all day long agonizing over wanting to work out, chastising myself for not doing it, and yet still putting it aside over and over.

I will figure this out.

Today, I’m taking the blog in a bit of a different direction. I’m getting more personal than I have in previous posts.

Years ago, I used to keep an online journal and had no problem sharing all of the details of my life—both good and bad—but in the last five years, I’ve had no desire to share myself online. It’s kind of a crazy thing considering how, in the last five years, sites like Twitter and Facebook have become so popular and sharing details about one’s life is now the norm. Yet here I am sharing pretty much nothing.

Recently, I found Alana Jo’s blog. I loved how she was writing daily personal posts and found myself reading many of them and enjoyed getting a peek into how someone else was approaching weight loss. I realized, I was doing myself a disservice by not sharing my own day-to-day experiences.

So, here goes…

As I write this, I am exhausted.

Normally, I make juice on Fridays. Last week, I put it off until Sunday. I knew I had a lot of greens to juice, but I wasn’t expecting to make the biggest batch of juice I ever have. It ended up being 10 quarts. It took hours. My juicer heats up within 20 minutes and I have to take long breaks to let it cool down. Once the juice is made, it takes awhile to clean up.

Don’t get me wrong, all the chopping, juicing, straining, pouring, cleaning, etc is worth totally it. It’s just that making those big batches can be a chore.

Long story short: I was up all night and then only got four hours of sleep.

I have enough energy to be awake and get some writing done, but I find when I get like this, I have a hard time focusing on anything and also make really bad food choices. Like tonight, as an example. Even with 10 quarts of green juice in my fridge, I ordered out for Chinese food. I only got one thing, an order of spring rolls. The crazy thing is, I’m still staying away from gluten and sugar. I’m making a huge effort to stay away from fried foods. Most importantly, I’m trying to break my expensive habit of ordering food delivery. Total cost of those spring rolls: $25. It’s insane.

Also, I don’t get on the treadmill.I use the excuse that I’m too tired. Yet I can find the energy to talk on the phone or check out YouTube or TMZ. I get so angry with myself…

Vincent Van Gogh

Over the years, I’ve read about how lack of sleep leads to weight gain. I’ve always had a hard time getting into a regular sleep schedule, but I never believed it could be a cause of weight gain. Now, that I’m becoming more aware of my body and how it responds to things, I’m starting to see how lack of sleep really can impact the choices you make.

I’ve been focusing a lot on the “eating” part of things and sort of focused on the “move”. I feel like, I now have to shift my focus to the “sleep” so the other two things can get better.

Last week: 354lbs

This week: 352lbs

Loss: 2lbs

Food:

As my period came to an end, I, once again indulged in some French fries. Beyond that, I stuck with my usual food intake.

I rejoined Weight Watchers as well. I feel good about the foods I have stopped eating, but I wanted to have more structure with what I am still eating. I’ll be writing about that more.

The one thing I am having an issue with is the need for variety. I can only go so many days of eating beans and rice before I want something different. Oddly enough, I never get tired of green juice. I think it’s because every batch I makes tastes different.

At the moment, the problem with wanting variety is that everything I used to eat—the foods that were so plentiful and accessible—are foods I want anymore. So, if I got out or order out, what else is there to have beyond pizza and anything involving glutten?

I’d order out for salad, but, from my experience, most delivered salads suck. Even if you ask for no dressing, someone doesn’t pay attention and drenches it with Ranch dressing. Also, salad is so cheap to make. It’s insane to spend $5 on a small serving.

Workouts:

I started out the week doing Leslie Sansone DVDs. Even though I got through them, I felt like it was too much. I got out my treadmill (again) and vowed to lose enough weight on the treadmill so that I could go back to workout DVDs and feel like I could get through it without worrying I was pushing myself too hard.

Goals:

When I started this blog, I didn’t want to have it become a personal journal, but I’m thinking I need to write daily about what’s going on with me. I want to document everything and not just make it seem like I’m doing this weight loss thing with ease.

Photo by: maHidoodi